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“Really cool guys, thanks,” read a text from Jenna*.

Courtney* looks at me with that disgusted look I hate seeing when her phone goes off and thrusts the phone into my open hand.

Jenna is always complaining about how we don’t include her. Us six girls used to spend a lot of time together last semester, but this year we are all so much busier its hard to get the whole crew together. Jenna and another one of the girls decided to move off campus, putting them even farther away from the rest of us. Her constant ‘woe is me’ attitude was starting to rake on everyone.

As Courtney and I continued to walk to our Friday night destination, we were both barraged with angry messages:

“You never include me anymore!”

“Why would you go to that party without me?”

I searched through my sent messages as fast as I could, desperately hoping to find the one I had sent her only a few hours earlier. Like a gospel choir had just began to sing I found it, and promptly forwarded it to my unnecessarily angry friend. It read:

“Hey girl! I was invited to my friend’s apartment tonight, they are having a little get-together. I would love for you to come! Let me know.”

I had indeed invited her out that night, just like I had invited her to come spend time with us many other nights that week.

On Monday, I invited her to watch The Hills with my roommate and I; she declined reporting exhaustion and too much homework. On Wednesday afternoon, I asked if she wanted to grab some lunch with me on the Quad; she passed, saying she already ate a little something and it was too much of a hassle to come down to campus. On Thursday, I was spending an enormous amount of time in the library and asked if she wanted to grab some coffee with my study buddy and I; once again she said ‘no.’

After going over the week’s events in my head, I lead myself to this question:

Is she really being ostracized? Or is she just lazy?

Friendship, just like any other working relationship, is a two way street. You have to give some to get some. You have to do some work to reap the reward. It isn’t fair to you or your friends for you to sit back and expect them to make all the effort, that just leaves you disappointed when they don’t pull through and leaves them stressed from trying to make you happy.

If you are the ‘disappointed’ friend, here are some things you can do to make it right:

Make an effort! If they are always inviting you to go places and you can never make (whether it be you just don’t feel like going or you are honestly too busy) try inviting them to something. It will show you are not being lazy in your friendship and that you do care about them

Don’t complain! If you constantly complain like Jenna, no one is going to want to hang out with you at all. Take it in stride if something doesn’t go your way. The hour, the day and the rest of the week will go on, even if everything isn’t perfect.

If its really that bad, maybe its not for you! If you are reading this going “I’m not lazy! They honestly never include me!” then maybe these are not the kind of people you want to surround yourself with. If they don’t care enough about you to include you at all, then maybe they don’t care about you at all. Leave them in the dust and move on to bigger and better things.

If you are the ’stressed out’ friend (like me) here is what you can do to make it bearable:

Don’t give in! If you are constantly inviting them and they still complain, set them straight. Explain that you have been making an effort and you would appreciate it if they would do the same. Compromise is also a beautiful thing, but don’t give so much you have nothing left. Make sure you are getting the respect and consideration you absolutely need before you give something up for them.

If they don’t get it, let it go! If you have done all you can to explain yourself to them and they still stand on the soap box claiming they have done no wrong, let it go. Stop inviting them and stop worrying about how they feel about it. If they really cherish your friendship they will realize they need to make some changes.

“Ok, I’m sorry. Have fun!”

I read the message out loud to Courtney. She looked at me, rolled her eyes and opened the apartment door. Halfway through the night I started to wish that Jenna would have been there with us.

“Wishing to be friends is quick work, but friendship is a slow-ripening fruit.” - Aristotle

*Names have been changed.

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